Adulthood feels like a scam.
Adulting, existential memes, and why it feels like timelines are collapsing.
The next paid newsletter will go out on Feb 16th, 2025, and I’m diving into: Why Disappointing Others Feels So Hard: A Therapist’s Guide to Letting Go. It will have resources and a worksheet so make sure to subscribe to get it!
The community Zoom workshop for paid members will be on Tuesday 2/18 at 630pm ET, and we will discuss “Disappointing Others, When To Do It, and How to Handle The Icky Feelings.”
“We just got engaged!”, then - “We just bought an apartment!”, then - “We’re having a baby!”, then - “Just got promoted!”
Marriage. Property. Children. Corporate Ladder. Check. Check. Check. Check….Check?
These were the steps that were clearly laid out, in succession, for a young person to use a blueprint for ‘becoming an adult’. Meeting these requirements meant believing in certain truths: there is a ‘right’ age to do things, you must do what others are doing to be ‘successful’ — and probably, the scariest one of them all: your happiness lies at the end of this checklist.
I write this, sitting in a coffee shop, living out my Carrie Bradshaw dreams of being a writer — and yet, I secretly carry the thought of ‘Am I on the right path, on the right timeline? Is it too late?’. Too late for what, exactly? I have no idea. While it may seem like I ‘have it together’ (I am married, I own property, I wrote a book), I am perpetually plagued with the feeling that I am somehow missing…something. And I am not alone - feeling ‘behind’ is the most common existential problem on the minds of people in their 20’s to 40’s right now.
Adulting Feels like an Identity Crisis.
As children, we imagine adulthood as a state of arrival—where we will finally feel confident, competent, and sure of our place in the world. But instead of a grand revelation, we wake up to a life that feels like a series of mediocre (is that really a bad thing?), logistical challenges: paying bills, making career moves, and maintaining relationships. The contrast between the imagined future and the lived present creates a deep sense of dissonance, making us wonder: Is this all there is? This dissonance can become a burden, or perhaps, an opportunity for self-exploration.
The pressure to be productive, successful, financially stable, emotionally available, and socially connected all at once creates an internal tension that is hard to resolve.
A few major life shifts that contribute to this tension:
📉 Economic Uncertainty: Millennials and Gen Z are entering adulthood with higher student debt, skyrocketing housing prices, and an increasingly precarious job market. The old formulas for success—go to school, get a job, buy a house—simply don’t work the way they used to. This uncertainty has created a gap in the cultural mindset of what ‘adult life’ is supposed to look like.
💼 A Career Landscape in Flux: The rise of the gig economy, layoffs in once-stable industries, and the decline of long-term job security have made careers feel less linear. Many of us are pivoting, freelancing, or redefining success in ways that don’t fit the old corporate ladder model. This freedom can be liberating, but it is also overwhelming.
🌎 Cultural and Social Shifts: More people are questioning whether marriage, kids, or even traditional full-time work are the right paths for them. Friendships fundamentally shift because we go from living in general geographic proximity and similar schedules with our friends to living in different places, different lifestyles, and different priorities. The script has expanded, yet the societal pressure to “keep up” remains.
🧠 The Comparison Trap: Social media has turned our lives into a highlight reel. We’re constantly exposed to curated glimpses of others’ achievements, making it easy to feel like we’re “behind” when, in reality, we’re just seeing different (often highly edited) versions of success.
I’ve learnt that adulthood is not about achieving a fixed identity but learning to hold space for change, contradiction, and uncertainty. The hardest part is accepting that the feelings of lostness aren’t proof that you are doing something wrong; they are simply part of the process.
Why Life Transitions - like Adulting - Suck So Much.
Uncertainty and Change: You are faced with new and unfamiliar situations, roles, or environments that are outside of your comfort zone. The fear of the unknown can create anxiety and stress, making it difficult to navigate through the transition.
Loss and Grief: Transitions often entail letting go of something familiar or comfortable. It could be leaving behind relationships, a job, a home, or
a new phase of life. Even positive transitions can involve a sense of loss; grieving the old life can make the transition emotional.
Identity and Self-Image: Life transitions often challenge our sense of identity and self-image. We redefine ourselves in new circumstances, roles, or responsibilities. This process of self-discovery and adjustment can be introspective and demanding, causing inner conflict and uncomfortable confusion.
Disruption of Routine: Transitions disrupt our established routines and sense of stability. We may need to adapt to new schedules, environments, or expectations, which can be disorienting and create a sense of instability. Adjusting to these changes takes time and effort, which can make the transition feel overwhelming.
Lack of Familiar Support System: During transitions, our support systems may change or become less accessible. We may need to establish new connections or rely on our own resilience to manage the challenges.
The absence of familiar support can make the transition feel isolating and overwhelming.
I was so afraid of being left behind in life.
Sometimes it felt like I was living my life on the sidelines. I’d watch my friends hit milestones. Their lives seemed to unfold in a series of clear, steady steps—new jobs, relationships, moving forward—while I stood still, weighed down by an invisible pressure to keep up.
P.S. If this is the kind of conversation you want more of, make sure you’re subscribed.
Breaking Free from the “Behind” Mentality
A few thoughts on welcoming adulting in its messy, raw, real form - and letting go of being limited by the ‘should’ mindset.
🚩 Question the timeline. Who decided that success looks like X by age Y? Your path gets to unfold on your terms, only if you spend the time and energy in getting to know yourself and what matters the most to you.
💡 Redefine progress. What if progress wasn’t about doing more but about feeling more present? More aligned? Instead of measuring your life against traditional milestones, ask yourself: What actually matters to me right now? Success doesn’t have to look like a straight climb—it can be circular, fluid, and deeply personal.
❤️ Anchor yourself in what actually matters. At the end of the day, what’s going to feel more meaningful? More work… or more time spent in deep connection with yourself and others? Explore the type of work and hobbies you love, what aligns with your values, and where you get the most energy.
🛑 Unsubscribe from urgency culture. Not everything has to happen right now. Slowing down doesn’t mean stopping—it means moving with intention instead of panic. Just because someone else is hitting certain milestones doesn’t mean you have to rush. Your life is not a competition. Give yourself permission to move at your own pace.
🌸 Embrace life as a series of seasons. There will be seasons of growth, seasons of rest, seasons of change. You’re not behind—you’re just in a different season than someone else. And that’s okay.
❤️ Celebrate what you have done. Too often, we focus on what we haven’t achieved instead of recognizing our own progress. You’ve made it through hard things, you’ve grown, you’ve adapted. That counts.
The Quarterlife Crisis: Questioning is Part of the Process
examines the ‘crisis’ era of adulthood, in her book Quarterlife, arguing that adulthood today isn’t just about finding stability—it’s about deep questioning.Most of us in our 20s to 40s are now navigating uncertainty, career pivots, personal reinvention, and existential questioning in ways that previous generations didn’t have to. And when we find ourselves in these moments of uncertainty, we often mistake them for failure. Here’s what’s actually happening:
🌀 A quarterlife crisis is not a dead-end—it’s a transition. It’s a period of reassessment, where you’re figuring out what you actually want vs. what you were taught to want. It’s normal to question your path.
🔄 You don’t have to have it all figured out. Careers, relationships, and identities are no longer fixed. They evolve, shift, and take unexpected turns. The expectation that you should have one perfect, linear trajectory is outdated.
💡 Clarity comes from exploration, not from waiting for the perfect answer. Instead of fixating on what you “should” be doing, focus on experimenting, learning, and allowing your path to unfold through action.
If you’re feeling lost, that doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re in the messy middle of discovering who you are.
The Grief of Growing Up
On top of all the things, adulting also comes with a sense of ambiguous grief (because, of course, why not have one more challenge?) —the kind of loss that is hard to name, yet deeply felt. It is not the grief of something concrete, like a death, but rather the quiet, persistent mourning of versions of ourselves that we have outgrown, of possibilities that will never come to be, of the simplicity and certainty we once assumed adulthood would bring. This grief is complex because it coexists with progress; we move forward, we build lives, we achieve milestones, and yet, there is an underlying sense of something slipping away, something we can’t quite hold onto.
Some grief you might be holding on to:
Grieving the family you never had, but see others (friends, partner) have. This can include the relationship with your parents, siblings or childhood experiences.
Past versions of yourself. The choices you made that caused you pain, but you didn't know better. You might feel sad for your younger self and feel grief for them.
Plans you made in the past that didn't happen. Childhood passions you might have had to let go of due to circumstances, and now wonder what opportunities were missed.
Good friendships that have ended due to time, distance or different opinions. Friendships that have evolved and look different than they were before.
Previous chapters of your life. You might grieve for the person you used to be. You can love yourself and hold space for the grief of missing the past version of you.
Reflections to explore:
What version of yourself do you find yourself missing the most? What did they believe, hope for, or dream about?
Is there a version of yourself you feel like you should be but aren’t? Where do these expectations come from?
What aspects of adulthood feel the hardest to accept? How do they challenge your previous beliefs about what life would be like?
What is one area of your life where you are resisting change? What would it feel like to lean into it instead?
What expectations did you have for your life that didn’t come true? How have those changes shaped you in ways you didn’t anticipate?
What new joys have entered your life that your younger self couldn’t have imagined?
What is something in your life now that you once longed for?
Welcoming the Season You’re In
Feeling behind is often a sign that you are in transition, not failure. The idea that we should be constantly progressing is just that—an idea. What if you embraced the phase you’re currently in? Every season of life has a purpose—whether it’s a season of building, resting, experimenting, or deepening.
Here’s how to shift from frustration to acceptance:
🌱 Identify Your Current Season
Ask yourself: What season of life am I in right now?
A season of exploration (trying new things, shifting directions)
A season of building (focusing on career, financial stability, new projects)
A season of rooting (deepening relationships, forming community)
A season of recovery (healing, resting, stepping back to reassess)
🌊 Release Resistance
Each season has its purpose, even if it doesn’t look the way you expected. Instead of fighting where you are, try asking:
What is this phase teaching me?
What do I need right now, instead of what I think I “should” be doing?
📌 What season of life do you feel like you’re in right now? Hit reply and let me know—I’d love to hear from you. And if you found this helpful, feel free to forward it to a friend who might need this reminder, too.
That’s all for now! May your tables, health, and happiness be always in abundance.
Live well + be well xx,'
Israa
[Ps. My book, Toxic Productivity, is available everywhere books are sold. You can learn more about it here: https://www.israanasir.com/toxic-productivity ].
Trying to balance the tip by entering my season of exploration and the way I feel is just so damn good. Thank you for the read!
The season I feel I am in is Recovery and Rest which in moments are opening up Rooting.