How to create emotional safety in a relationship
This is the missing ingredient in most relationships
A few quick announcements:
The next paid newsletter will go out on Feb 16th, 2025, and I’m diving into: Why Disappointing Others Feels So Hard: A Therapist’s Guide to Letting Go. It will have resources and a worksheet.
The community Zoom workshop for paid members will be on Tuesday Feb 18th, 2025 at 6:30pm ET, and we will discuss “Disappointing Others, When To Do It, and How to Handle The Icky Feelings.” [Make sure to join as a paid member to receive the registration link!]
I am accepting new therapy clients! If you live in New York State, please respond to this email or send one to hello@israanasir.com to schedule a free consultation.
Hi friends! Valentine’s Day is next week, and while it’s often framed around romance, it’s also a perfect time to reflect on all our relationships—the friendships that ground us, the family bonds that shape us, and the connections that make life meaningful. This week’s newsletter is a little shorter and packed with tactical tips on being an emotionally safe person, because safety isn’t just about love—it’s about trust, presence, and the way we show up for the people in our lives. Honoring all our relationships reminds us that love isn’t just a feeling; it’s something we actively create.
Emotional safety is the foundation of any meaningful relationship. It’s the invisible thread that allows people to be vulnerable, to show up as their full selves without fear of judgment, rejection, or punishment. Without emotional safety, a relationship might function on the surface—filled with conversations, routines, and shared experiences—but it lacks the depth required for true intimacy and connection.
Be a Safe Person Yourself
Let’s being with ourselves. We often talk about wanting a safe relationship, but it starts with us. Are you a person who responds with care when others expresses their fears, doubts, or insecurities? Do you listen without immediately trying to fix, defend, or dismiss?
Being a safe person means being intentional with your words and reactions. It means practicing emotional regulation so that other people don’t have to tiptoe around your moods. It’s showing up with curiosity rather than criticism, with patience rather than pressure.
💡 Tip: Next time someone shares something vulnerable with you, pause before responding. Instead of jumping in with advice or reassurance, try reflecting back what they said with curiosity. Say something like, “That sounds really tough—do you want to talk more about it, or just have me listen?” This small shift creates space for emotional safety and lets the other person feel truly heard.
Create a Judgment-Free Zone:
Emotional safety thrives in spaces where people feel free to be themselves—flawed, uncertain, and in progress—without the fear of being judged. Creating a judgment-free zone means resisting the urge to criticize, shame, or offer unsolicited advice when someone opens up. Instead of responding with “Why would you do that?” or “That doesn’t make sense,” try asking, “What made you feel that way?” or “Tell me more about that.”
This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything someone says or does, but it does mean approaching conversations with understanding instead of correction. The goal isn’t to fix—it’s to listen. When people know they can share their truth without fear of ridicule or dismissal, they feel safe to be their real, unfiltered selves. And that’s where deeper connection begins.
💡Tip: Next time someone shares something vulnerable with you, practice responding with curiosity instead of correction. Instead of saying, “I wouldn’t have done that,” try, “What was that experience like for you?” This small shift helps people feel heard and safe to express themselves without fear of judgment.
Honor Their Triggers Without Making It About You
Everyone carries emotional wounds, often shaped by past experiences, childhood, or previous relationships. One of the deepest expressions of love is recognizing those wounds without making them a personal attack.
If your partner, friend, or family-member has trust issues from a past betrayal, for example, their hesitancy to open up isn’t necessarily about you. It’s about their nervous system, their past, their history. Instead of reacting defensively, meet them with understanding: “I see that trust is hard for you, and I want to make sure I don’t add to that.” That single acknowledgment can create an immense sense of safety.
💡Tip: When your partner (or anyone close to you) reacts in a way that seems rooted in past wounds, pause before taking it personally. Instead of responding defensively, try saying: “I can see this is hard for you. How can I support you right now?” This simple shift fosters understanding and reinforces trust rather than creating distance.
Communicate Your Needs Without Blame
Emotional safety isn’t just about holding space for someone else —it’s also about advocating for yourself in a way that doesn’t create distance. Many of us grew up in environments where expressing needs was met with rejection, shame, or dismissal, so we either suppress them entirely or let them spill out as accusations. Neither approach creates safety.
Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try: “I feel unheard when I share something important—can we work on that?” Instead of, “You don’t care about me,” try: “I feel disconnected, and I’d love to spend more intentional time together.” Shifting from blame to invitation makes all the difference.
💡Tip: Before bringing up a concern, write it down and reframe it to focus on your feelings and needs rather than blame. A simple formula to use: “I feel [emotion] when [situation]. What can we do to work through this together?”
Emotional safety isn’t about creating a conflict-free relationship—it’s about creating a space where both people feel secure enough to be real, where vulnerability isn’t met with punishment but with care. It’s a practice, not a destination.
I want to close with a small but important reminder: while honoring our relationships with others is necessary, equally necessary is honoring our relationship with ourselves. Emotional safety isn’t just something we create for others—it’s something we must cultivate within. The way we speak to ourselves, set boundaries, and practice self-compassion sets the tone for how we engage with the world. So as you reflect on your connections this week, don’t forget the most enduring one—the relationship you have with yourself.
That’s all for now! May your tables, health, and happiness be always in abundance.
Live well + be well xx,'
Israa
[Ps. My book, Toxic Productivity, is available everywhere books are sold. You can learn more about it here: https://www.israanasir.com/toxic-productivity ].
So many gems in here, and practical aspects. thank you