Is everyone else also feeling lonely?

Spending time alone can actually make you feel less lonely.

We are terrified of being lonely.

One reason for loneliness is spending time with people you don’t feel an authentic connection with. Your feelings of loneliness might be telling you that you want more genuine relationships. And yes – you can feel lonely in relationships (even in long-term relationships like a marriage) and while surrounded by people. This is because loneliness isn’t about whether you have others around you, but it’s about the quality of the relationships you have.

Signs you are craving authentic relationships but struggling:

1. You don’t feel satisfied with your relationships. On the surface it feels like everything is okay, but you don’t feel like you are getting what you need. This applies to romantic relationships and friendships.

2. You have regrets about your behavior. You say or do things that make you feel bad, like going to certain events or over-sharing with people, but you keep doing them anyway.

3. You feel like people around you don’t ‘hear’ you or know the ‘real’ you - and you wish they did.

4. You constantly try to maintain a certain image or meet societal expectations rather than expressing your true self.

5. You feel overwhelmed by the thought of sharing yourself with others and want them to ask about you.

One way to overcome this feeling is to be intentional and really invest in building genuine, authentic connections with people. (You can do this in pre-existing relationships as well). Don’t be mistaken – we don’t need to have deep connections and share our traumas and secrets to have an authentic connection with someone.

In the community event on March 12^th (6pm ET) we will have a more in-depth exploration on how to build authentic relationships. Sign up to attend!

Authentic relationships are where you:

• Can communicate openly and honestly, without the fear of judgement and rejection. These relationships are where you feel accepted, even when there is a disagreement.

• Have a sincere interest in the other person's thoughts, feelings, and experiences, and vice versa.

• Respect each other's unique perspectives, beliefs, and backgrounds. This also builds trust, predictability and emotional safety.

• Regularly spend quality time together, check-in, and actively participating in each other's lives.

Here are two things you can do today to get started:

1. Do a relationship audit – are your relationships making you happy? Who do you spend time with and how does that make you feel? Do you like who you are around certain people?

2. If you want to build an authentic connection with someone – first ask yourself, do I like this person? Why do I want them in my life? Reflect on where your need for connection is coming from and whether this is the right person for it.

Another way to overcome feeling lonely is by spending intentional time with yourself. This is because a strong sense of self and contentment with being alone can serve as a foundation for healthier relationships with others.

Being alone can help us overcome loneliness:

• Being alone provides you an opportunity for self-reflection and self-discovery.

• Spending adequate time alone helps you develop a healthy relationship with yourself, which reduces unhealthy dependence on others for happiness and fulfillment.

• Being on your own deepens your understanding of your own thoughts, emotions, and desires building a stronger sense of self.

This is something I experienced when I took my first international trip alone. It really let me create space for myself, in a whole new way.  I spent my days walking in Seville, Spain and journaled my way through the city. Reading back on those journal entries, I realized that being alone gave me the time to decompress from everything around me. I also realized that traveling alone has great mental health benefits. You can read more about my solo-travels and how it improved my mental health in this article. 

It gave me a chance to reconnect with myself, and reflect on the things I’ve learnt this year. The things I want to keep continuing in my life, and the excess emotional luggage that I want to get rid of. I don’t know if I would’ve come to these conclusions if I hadn't spent ten days on my own. 

So my ask of you is - cultivate the practice of spending time alone. Try to build in some pure alone-time in your schedule. If you’re feeling up to it, make a plan to be alone for the sake of being alone (not running an errand). Go for a walk (no phone/music/podcast) and then get a bite to eat. Sit at a cafe and have a glass of wine or a cup of tea. For some ideas, the NYT did an article on the psychological benefits of spending time alone + one of my fave blogs The Very Well Mind also has a great article on things you can do alone. 

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Here's a roundup of my favourite things that talk about being alone:

• One of the best books I read in 2020: A Lonely City (Olivia Laing) - a self-reflection on being alone in a big city, and how to reclaim power in that feeling.

• NPR Life Kit's podcast episode on how you can use solitude for feeling better and getting out of a funk: Regulate your mood with solitude.

• Articles to help you get to know yourself better:

  • Instead of seeking a new life, go deeper into the one you have. - Kierkegaard’s Three Ways to Live More Fully

  • Seeking meaning in life’s chance happenings. - The Burnt Toast Theory Is All About Embracing Life’s Frustrations

  • What can we can now do without the other? - The Lure of Divorce

  • What might happen if I spent an entire month not canceling any plans? - Flake No More.

  • Too much aloneness is creating a crisis of social fitness. - Why Americans Suddenly Stopped Hanging Out?

  • Too often, being cared for can mean feeling like a burden, but what can our friends offer in old age? - The Friends Who Are Caring For Each Other In Old Age